


some turn to dust or to gold

by hissingmiseries



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Character Study, F/M, Light Angst, Non-Linear Narrative, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-06
Updated: 2017-01-06
Packaged: 2018-09-15 08:28:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9226718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hissingmiseries/pseuds/hissingmiseries
Summary: In 26 BBY, somewhere on planet Fest, he's born.





	

**Author's Note:**

> or, cassian andor deserved the world. content includes: rogue one spoilers (obvs); canon-typical themes (war, death, that _fucking_ ending); canonical character deaths; limited-pov narration (with second-tense at points); suppressed romantic feelings; narrator with unaddressed ptsd symptoms; force-sensitive chirrut.
> 
> the structure of this is all over the place, btw. sorry if it's confusing at any parts!

Picture this: you are on a planet. You're on a beach. You're staring out to sea.

You're not alone, which is - new. You've never really been alone but this is the first time you've felt like somebody is there.

You are on a beach and you are staring death in the face; it's so bright that it burns you. It cuts into your retinas and makes you think that maybe you'll never see a thing again. This is correct. It doesn't feel like a bad thing, either. Maybe you saw this coming a long time ago.

Maybe this is where you are meant to be: here, with the air smelling like sulphur. Maybe you are meant to feel it in your bones. Maybe you are too old for this.

Maybe you are too young for this. You didn't really have time to live but it feels that in your few years, you lived as much as you could.

 

Maybe you will become a myth. This is a nice idea, not that it matters. It would be nice to leave a trace, a reminder that you were indeed here. 

 

Death comes quick; it is very bright and very gold, and very all-consuming.

You always said it would take you kicking and screaming, but it doesn't. It takes you swiftly and quietly and you just - you accept it, with flaccid shoulders. I mean, you've saved the galaxy, and you have this for a view.

 

(These are Cassian Andor's last moments. There are worse ways to go, aren't there?)

 

-

 

In 26 BBY, somewhere on planet Fest, he's born. It isn't called 26 BBY at the time, of course - it's just another year.

His father cradles him and so does his mother; she tries, at least. She looks at him with kind, wide eyes but they scrunch up when she looks at his father. Her mouth and face contort and she yells a lot at him, and he yells back. Cassian is too young to know how adults work so he just puts his hands over his ears and waits for it to go quiet again.

He doesn't know what they fight about. His father comes back some nights in other people's blood. 

Maybe it's something to do with that.

 

He grows exponentially, much to his father's delight. He sees his father come back in a uniform and something inside of him says:  _I want to be like that._

He doesn't - he is too young to know what he wants, really - but that is no excuse. Every son wants to be his father, don't they? What is the point of anything if they don't?

"This won't be easy, son," his father says, kneeling. "You're being very brave."

Cassian looks up and Papa's eyes are very big and sparkly; his six-year-old self sees glory in them, glory and pride. Something he'd happily drown in already. "I _am_ brave, Papa," he says. "Brave like you."

 

About ten years later, it becomes more nauseating than anything to think about. Cassian swallows, and learns that jarring feeling of recalling a warm memory and feeling utterly cold.

 

-

 

Somewhere on Yavin 4, sometime in 5 BBY, Cassian Andor is older than he was. He is older and wiser and more steeled; he can look at bloodied soldiers and not blink. He is not sure if that is a good thing, in the long run, but this is a rebellion and there is no thinking in the long run when the Empire is on your tail.

Somewhere on Yavin 4, sometime in 5 BBY, Cassian Andor is part of the Alliance. He is an Intelligence officer and such a title has never suited anybody else so well before; it looks good on his shoulders, sounds nice coming out of General Draven's mouth. People look at him with respect, especially when he gets his hands on that damn Imperial droid. 

("Did I program you to be _this_ annoying?" he frowns. The droid looks back at him with two bright, circular eyes and doesn't reply.)

He also acquires a pretty nice jacket from another rebel. They have to die for him to get it but - stuff like this happens.

 

It _is_ a rebellion, after all.

 

-

 

In 20 BBY - again, not called that - he is in a cell and he sees lots of men in white uniforms. He thinks,  _bad men_ , and throws rocks.

It's not the best idea in the world, throwing stones at people with big blasty things that go  _bang_ ; luckily, his father comes out of nowhere and sweeps him up. Red pellets fly through the air, fizzing and popping until the men in white uniforms are sprawled out like rag dolls. His father is breathing very heavily; there's a smudge of blood on his cheek, congealing in the heat.

"Cass, please," Papa says. He smells like what Cassian would later learn is Blaster fluid and copper. "These men are dangerous. They will hurt you, you must - you must stop making it easy to hurt you."

He isn't quite sure what that means, but he nods anyway. Anything for Papa.

 

-

 

Cassian is sixteen. He has a nightmare and he jolts awake, a halo of sweat on his mattress.

He is a soldier by name but not quite yet by nature; not that he'd ever admit that. He is still soft in parts, there are pillowy, white parts of him that haven't been cut away yet. Give him time, though. He will not need long.

 

He has another nightmare: when he wakes, for a split second he thinks the sweat on the sheets is blood, but then he breathes and rationality sets in. 

Ugh. He is tired. He can't really remember a time when he was not this tired. 

 

His third nightmare, his really bad one, has him almost fall out of bed. Luckily, he doesn't - he's on the top bunk, too. He is in the Alliance; he is not dying from falling out of a bed. The history books would not appreciate that.

He wakes up and he can taste blood in his mouth, all over his tongue. Wudei sleeps below him, a shapeless blob beneath his duvet. Cassian has always envied the soldiers who make it through the night.

 

-

 

Papa dies. He dies suddenly, brutally, fiercely: there is a protest and it gets out of control and then he is dead. Simple as that.

 

It is 15 BBY and Cassian feels like a soldier - he is jacked up on adrenaline and testosterone and the feeling of a Blaster in his hands - and then Papa is gone and it drains out of him like piss. He shrinks and deflates until he is stood there, clothes too big for him, gun too heavy. He is twelve years old and so, so small.

Somebody picks him up; he doesn't know who it is, but the mark of the Alliance is sewn onto their jacket shoulder so he doesn't kick. He's twelve, he should be able to run.

They don't let him. He is twelve and being carried like a baby. Like a Blaster, or a sack of rubbish off to the trash compacter.

 

Later that night, he closes his eyes and vows: nobody else will ever get close enough to hurt him. Not if he can help it.

 

-

 

Jyn Erso is wild. _Feral_. Cassian has never seen anyone like Jyn before and immediately it sparks; that deep, rooted hatred. Or maybe it's envy, he has never been good with emotions. All he knows is that she is here, this hurricane of dark hair and rebellion, and she is sharp at the edges. He is blunt. They clash, instantly.

Oh - and he has to kill her father. 

What fun.

 

(Later - like, a _lot_ later - Cassian would sit beside Chirrut Imwe and ask,  _what does the Force feel like?_

And Chirrut would reply,  _it moves through you, inside of you. It's always there, even if you don't realise it. Even if you don't_ want  _it_.

And Cassian would look over at Jyn Erso, drop his head into his hands and sigh.  _Sounds great._ )

 

This is what happens with Jyn: she springs up out of nowhere, the daughter of the Death Star's main architect, and gets herself into so much danger it's a wonder she gets out of Jedha in one piece. 

It doesn't take him long to start saving her life.

I mean - the Alliance would kill him if he let her die. Obviously.

But then she storms back onto the ship, her hair in disarray across her face, and tells them all about the hologram. About how they've built this marvellous, all-powerful weapon and her father has thrown down an ace card. Just one little cog in a very large system and - they win. They can sleep a little easier.

Jyn looks at him with wide eyes, pleading a little. Cassian swallows and does his best not to fall for it, lest he drown in something he can't get out of. So he calls General Draven - he'll know what to do.

_We have to kill Galen Erso while we still have the chance._

 

He takes the headset off and slams it back down. His mouth tastes bitter.

 

-

 

The heavens open and release rain, sheets of it. Eadu laughs at them as they crash. 

It's not funny - it fucking _hurts_. He's freezing cold and everything's sideways with the rain, and Draven's orders are there in his head. He is obedient, he is robotic. He will do what the Alliance demands and it will work out. It always has before.

(He tries not to think of Papa. The way he fell, the way his eyes didn't close. The way it -)

It is not difficult to find Galen. When Cassian finally does, Galen has a very stern looking fella shouting at him and a row of workers behind him, quivering like kicked animals. 

Cassian pulls out his gun and Bodhi looks at him in horror.

He's here to do a mission, isn't he?

 

Another jarring feeling learnt by Cassian Andor: looking somebody in the eyes through the sight of a Blaster.

 

He doesn't need to kill Galen. The Alliance beats him to it - ironically.

They swoop in with their arsenal of bombs and it hits him like a kick to the gut: Jyn Erso, crawling across the platform like a spider. She has seen her father, he can tell the moment she stiffens then launches forward, just as things begin to explode.

There are not many moments when Cassian prioritises something above whatever he is there for. He is not supposed to do that - Papa beat that out of him, and the Alliance beat whatever was left out afterwards. But what can say? He surprises even himself sometimes.

Jyn is a wreck. Galen dies in her arms, she is shaking and crying and begging and -

 

(A few millennia later, some bloke with a funny accent and a beret would coin the term  _deja vu_. Until then, Cassian has to watch, and swallow down that churning in his stomach. That feeling of having seen something like this before.)

 

When they get back to the ship, she is furious; the rage is radiating off of her, visible in the grit of her teeth and how her knuckles whiten and her clenched fists. She says, "You lied to me," over and over again. 

He tries to reason with her. She is not a rebel, she doesn't see it the way he does. "You went up there to kill my father. You lied about why we came here and you lied about why you went up there alone."

"I had every chance to pull the trigger," he argues. "But did I?"

"You might as well have!" she spits. "My father was living proof and you put him at risk. Those were Alliance bombs that killed him!"

He goes pale with anger: anger at her and Draven and himself. "I had orders. Orders that I disobeyed!" 

A  _for you_ attaches itself to the end. 

She doesn't hear it.

"When you know they're wrong?" she says. The venom in it takes him aback. "You might as well be a Stormtrooper."

 

And then he breaks. He doesn't mean to, it just kind of - spills out of him.

Jarring feeling number three: you can have your heart broken more than once. It can feel different each time, too.

 

-

 

Would you like to know why she irked you? Because you were in her shoes once.

Would you like to know why you fell for her? 

 

I can't help you with that one.

 

-

 

He doesn't know when things change but he thinks it's around that moment when she's talking to the rebels.

She's there, incandescent. She builds on what came before her, she cobbles it together and presents it to them, as best as she can. She talks sense but so do the others and - it doesn't work.

Cassian sighs, watching from the outskirts. She looks crushed.

 

He does it for Jyn, in the end. The Alliance is a pretty big part of it too, but - he's been doing things for Jyn for a long time. 

This is the first time he realises it, though.

 

-

 

It is the year 0 BBY. A nice, solid zero. Fresh start.

But Cassian doesn't know this. Nor does he know what's coming, when he boards the ship; he just knows that this, here and now, is what he was born for. This uniform, this mission. Jyn in front of him, holding on to the ceiling straps, and smiling like she thinks the same.

The plan is simple enough. At least on paper.

Step one: hijack some Imperial officers and get their uniforms.

Step two: infiltrate the base.

Step three: get the plans.

Step four: blow the place sky-high.

 

They're rebels. They can pull this off. They've done it enough times before.

 

-

 

(Once, just after Papa died, Cassian stormed out and tore one of the Alliance's droids to shreds. He stomped the pieces into the earth and spat on them. He curled his fingers around the shard of metal with the logo until it cut into his hands.

 _The Alliance didn't kill your father_ , the droid's voicebox said, cut with static.  _He served them loyally all his life._

He stepped forward and pressed his heel into it. It sparked and hissed and died.

It felt good for a while. Not long, but long enough.

And then it just felt like treason.)

 

-

 

Jyn is fearless, utterly fearless. She is like one of those famous Alliance soldiers that he reads about in history books when he can't sleep, leapt from the pages, churning her way through the landscape like her fate is already written. She is destined to go on, Cassian realises, when he watches her rifle through those files.

_Stardust. That's it._

_How can you know?_

_Because it's me._

He grins. Galen Erso, you sappy, clever bastard.

 

The air is hot with burning jet fuel and explosions, so frequent that they dull to one long buzz. The sky is very blue and if it wasn't for all the commotion and the planes falling from the sky, this would be such a beautiful planet. He doesn't see much beauty in the galaxy anymore; either the Empire or the Alliance always gets to it first.

K-2SO dies. Or powers down, as he is a droid, but Blaster bolts rip through him as the door locks. It shouldn't hurt as much as it does.

And then they almost do it; they're so close, _so_ fucking close, and then -

 

Everything goes very dark.  

 

-

 

( _Chirrut?_ he began, sitting down. Chirrut looked at him with blue, bottomless eyes.  _When did you meet Baze?_

There was a pause, then Chirrut smirked.  _A long time ago. I can't really remember, it feels that long. It still feels like the first day, though._

A thud emanated from the guts of the ship; hollow and heavy. Baze shrugging his armour off. 

 _How did you meet him?_ he probed further.

 _When he joined the Whills,_ Chirrut said.  _We were assigned to the Temple in Jedha and we stayed there ever since._

Cassian looked down, picking at his nails.  _That's lucky. Being paired with someone you love._

Chirrut chuckled, this bubbly little thing.  _It was more than just luck, Cassian._

_You think it was the Force?_

Another pause, one heavy with questions and that knowing little smile at the corner of Chirrut's lips.

 _No. I think it was just fate. Written in the stars._ )

 

His leg is twisted funny as he limps his way up to the tower and thrusts a Blaster bolt through the man's chest. Jyn looks round and sees him and lights up, bright as the night sky. He isn't used to people being happy to see him. Not a euphemism, he is just genuinely not used to being wanted.

That's the thing with big organisations: you become a speck. It's like pointing at a random star and trying to think of a reason that it's important, that it isn't like its brothers. That it isn't expendable.

And in the bigger picture, he is expendable. Everybody here is. The pilots in the spiralling planes, the rebels spitting bullets on the beach. They will all be replaced, they will be all be forgotten. It comes with the job.

But here, now - 

This day, this battle will be named. Plaques of memorial will be mounted and Cassian will look at them and know, _I did this. I was there._

He thinks about Papa. About how proud he'd be.

 

They're close in the lift. Her breath tickles his neck. Her heart thuds so loudly, he can hear it.

She looks very pale in this light. She smells like soil and burnt hair and pain. 

Papa once said,  _your mother was a star in my orbit. That's why we met._   _It's how the universe made us._

He swallows. His leg really hurts but she's looking up at him with those pretty eyes, and that little smile that says - we made it. 

 

It's not love, he knows. But give it time. They're only young.

They have all the time in the world.

 

-

 

You are on your knees, with Jyn in your arms, pressed to your chest. Everything is very bright and very loud.

Close your eyes, take a breath and remember: there are worse things to become than a myth.

**Author's Note:**

> title from, of course, [fall out boy](http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/falloutboy/centuries.html). i'm on [tumblr](http://hissing-miseries.tumblr.com) if you want to say hi!


End file.
